Friday, 17 December 2010

Santa takes a quick breather...

HO-HO-HO and all that sort of thing.  I should really get some practice in at that or your dear old Santa will be more like a damp squib than a live wire!!

Eh?  What am I doing here?  Why aren't I in Lapland up to the eyes in wish lists?  I thought you might ask that.  I said to Angie when she asked me to guest her blog "Angie," I said, "Have you any idea...?"
"Yes, yes, never mind all that," she said, plonking her laptop in my lap (where else).  Ha ha - a LAPtop in my LAPland "It could be a real coup getting you to guest write.   And I have SO much to be getting on with."

So here I am (I bet you think this is me in the picture).  To be honest I seem to be a bit in the way in Lapland at the moment.  The elves who help me have it all under control - and believe me there's more to do than yo would think.  I mean, somebody has to spruce (ha ha - this gets worse - SPRUCE) - er, spruce up the reindeer.  Rudolph of course has to have his nose sparkled up ready for the big trip on Christmas Eve.  All the others have to be just so so that they stand out from the electric looky likeys on houses . Not that anyone ever sees them of course.  That's part of the magic, part of their charm.   

A little tip though:  please don't leave bags of carrots or, worse still, sprouts, out for them.  It's not that we're ungrateful, it's just that...well you don't have to ride behind themNuff said!  Goodies for me is fine of course.  In fact I'll share a little secret with you now:  Mrs. Christmas doesn't cook any dinner on Christmas Eve so your tasty morsels are much appreciated.  Oh my, yes, I should say so.....

Oh, and kids,  a tip for you too:  don't even think about staying awake to see me.  You can't.  You might hear my sleighbells but you will never see me leaving your presents.  So get off to sleep.  That's the deal.

A question I often get asked is "At what age should you stop believing in Santa Claus?" .  The answer is NEVER.  Always believe because if you don't believe in Santa Claus there's not a lot TO believe in.  I know, I know, a lot of people say "Jesus is the reason for the Season" and He is, the little guy sleeping rough in the cowshed.  But He was given gifts - birthday gifts I suppose in His case - and, being the chap He was, there was need for the whole world to celebrate His birthday so they put the gift delivery out to tender.  It had to be somebody who could get round the whole world very very fast - so you got me because Richard Branson wasn't born yet.  There now, I bet you wondered why he called his airline Virgin Airways!  They had to let him fly the Kings instead.  Shepherds travel Ryanair or go on the bus.

The letters I get - by the way, I hope you've all got your letters posted off to me by now.  Cutting it fine if you haven't .    It's all very well asking for a Kindle but Muggins here has to go cap in hand to Amazon if I need 2 million extra next week.  Times have changed as well.  We don't get many requests for soft toys or dollies or Meccano sets these days.  It's computers or Wii's or Nintendos.  Books, of course, never go out of fashion, even for those not big enough to read.  I'm glad of that;   even if no-one ever reads to you, just the look and feel and smell of books can be enough to spark a lifetime's passion for the written word.

Gosh, is that the time.  Mrs C will have done lunch for the workshop by now so I'd better take some fish and chips in.  Oh yes, ha ha, very funny.  No there won't be a lucky fish shop able to claim Santa Claus as a customer;  nobody will know it's me - I'm in mufti so I look just the same as any other elf........ah ah AH - what did I tell you?  BELIEVE!

Love from Santa,

Wednesday, 8 December 2010


Keith has been dreaming up names to call me.

Because he has arthritis or rheumatiz or something in his shoulders and can't raise his arms to do his coat collar, he gets Heineken (me) to do it because I can "Reach the parts others cannot".

Paddy O'Dors is another one he has dreamed up because I yell it out every time he lets the dog out for a wee walk.  Don't get it?  Just say it!

I had to get the gas engineer to come out and fix the central heating today.  It conked out yesterday morning so there was 24 hours with no heating  and no hot water.  It happens every year that just when the weather is at its coldest it all goes off.  This year was even worse than last;  the temperature in the house dropped to 12°C.   I have never known it below 17° and I don't mind telling you I was a little afraid in case any pipes burst.  But they didn't, and the guy turned up, and all's well that ends well........

Bit difficult getting the Christmas shopping done.  I can't ride my chair up to town because of the ice - it slides all over the place.  I thought I would be clever and order stuff online EXCEPT we haven't had any post for more than a week because the Post Office won't let postmen deliver it in case they should break their bones.  And sue, maybe?  Keith went to post me a couple of snail mails yesterday and said the post box was stuffed full - no collections either!

Today he went to the Post Office to send something by Recorded Delivery and it cost him £5.50.  Full marks to the counter clerk who, when Keith said  "By gum, that's expensive", came straight back, right off the top of his head, with "Well not really.  You could have posted it to next door and it would still have cost £5.50."


Saturday, 4 December 2010

Shame innit?

I Just had to say a quick word.  All those poor people stuck in Spain by some 'wildcat strike making it impossible for them to get back home to dear old (snowy old) Blighty.  The word???